


For You I'd Count The Salt Under The Sea

by FiveFootFrankie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adam is dead, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anna is dead, Depression, Flashback, John is dead, M/M, cas has angel wing tattoos, ptsd i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 05:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1766404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveFootFrankie/pseuds/FiveFootFrankie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean hadn't even want to go on a beach vacation, and he definitely didn't expect to meet someone who convinced him to getting in the water</p>
            </blockquote>





	For You I'd Count The Salt Under The Sea

**Author's Note:**

> this is an spn destiel oneshot. in this one, John is dead and not Mary. the tittle comes from Pierce the Veil's song Currents Convulsive. so yeah, hope it doesn't suck. I don't really like the ending but I'm out of ideas. if you have any you're willing for me to use, that would be awesome but until I come up with an idea, this story is basically completed
> 
> so I was about three quarters of the way through when wattpad (where this was originally posted) closed and about half of it was deleted. I was pretty upset so I waited a day and came back to it and now I'm going back and editing it and writing it with better detail. 
> 
> warning: I don't know how easily some people are triggered but Dean feels very lowly of himself. also has flashbacks of an accident.

"C'mon Dean. We're on vacation. Just come down for a little while?" Sam coaxed.

Dean sighed. Sam was always trying to do this, trying to get Dean out of the house to do something with him and Jess. "If I come down with you guys today will you leave me alone for the rest of the vacation?" he asked. Sam nodded. "Alright then. Let me put on a swim suit." Sam cheered and went to go tell Jess that Dean would be joining them. Dean groaned as he threw on his swim trunks and a t-shirt. He hadn't even wanted to come on this vacation, but Mary insisted that they do more things as a family and decided they would go on vacation with their childhood friend Jess and her family too.

The three of them walked down stairs and down the street to the small, practically deserted beach. Jess and Sam set up their towels to sit on the beach while Dean went and sat on the waters edge where the water would just barely reach him when a wave came in.

The three of them sat there for about forty-five minutes when someone else arrived at the beach. Dean watched from the corner of his eye as a tall, lanky guy with dark hair pulled his shirt over his head to reveal an impressive pair of angel wing tattoos on his back. Dean watched with interest as the teen walked into the waves. He wasn't sure what, exactly, this guy was doing, but he seemed sad while doing it.

There's something we have in common, Dean thought. Dean sighed and turned his attention from the boy to the waves on the horizon.

 

"What's your name?"

Dean turned to see the boy from the wave behind him. He was about to answer when he was startled by just how blue the boy's eyes were. "Dean," he replied eventually. "You?"

"Castiel. So, Dean, would you like to come wave diving with me?" he asked.

"What's wave diving?"

"It's where you go out into the water and when the wave comes you hold your breath and jump into it, letting it bring you back to the shore." Dean thought about it for a moment. He didn't know this kid. Who's to say he wasn't some psycho who was going to try and kill Dean? Dean just shrugged and stood up. Sam and Jess were here. Surely he wouldn't try anything in front of a witness?

Dean could feel Sam staring at him as he walked out into the water, but he ignored him. He would be fine. He didn't need Sam worrying about him all the time-Dean was the big brother. Castiel gave a small smile to the slightly taller boy as they walked out into the waves.

"Here comes a wave. One, two, three. Jump!" Dean held his breath and leaped into the wave, letting it carry him. They resurfaced, shaking the water out of their faces and smiling. "Wanna go again?" Castiel asked.

"Definitely," Dean replied.

 

 

A couple hours later, Sam and Jess stood from where they had both been reading (nerds) and walked closer to where Dean and Castiel were in the water.

"Hey, Dean!" he called, "Jess and I are going to go get some lunch, you wanna come?"

"No," Dean replied. "We'll get something to eat in a little bit." Sam nodded and walked with Jess off the beach, leaving Dean and Cas to their wave diving. A few minutes later, the two finally stopped and just stood there in the waves, laughing.

"What are we even doing?"

"I have no idea."

Dean was in the middle of a laugh and caught unprepared by the next wave, getting swept of his feet and under the water. He started screaming--for who he wasn't sure--and twisting and turning in the water, trying to find whichever direction was up, but quickly becoming disoriented. Dean was dragged out of the water and up onto the beach by two strong arms, protesting the whole way. When Castiel carefully deposited Dean onto the sand, he started crying and choking on the water in his lungs.

"Arms above your head," he instructed, softly patting Dean on the back. Eventually, Dean had coughed up the water and was able to breathe calmly. "Are you okay now?"

"I will be," Dean mumbled, embarrassed by what had happened. He crossed his arms over his chest, his shirt sticking uncomfortably to his chest. He turned his head sadly away from the pitying gaze Castiel was giving him. "Don't look at me like that," he muttered.

"I'm sorry. I just feel like that was my fault." Now it was Dean's turn to give a confused look. "I was the one who brought you out into the water."

"That doesn't-" Dean started, shaking his head. "It's all my fault. All my fault," he whispered.

 

_"Dean, I'm not discussing this with you anymore. You're watching Sam and Adam next weekend and that's final."_

_"But Dad, it's my fault, not Sam's. He can watch himself," Dean protested._

_"Maybe he can, but obviously he can't watch Adam," John replied, glancing in the rearview mirror to the cast on Adam's arm. Dean had asked Sam to watch Adam when he'd fallen off the slide and broken his arm, and now John said Sam wasn't aloud to watch Adam anymore._

_"Dad-" Dean started, but John looked over at him, only for a brief moment. A brief moment was all it took. An animal darted out into the road and John looked back up just in time to swerve off the road. "DAD!" Dean screamed._

 

When Dean finally realized where he was and came back to real life, he was panting heavily, crying slighting and clutching Castiel tightly, with Cas holding him right back.

"Dean!" Sam yelled, running over and quickly followed by Jess. Jess stopped a few feet away and Sam fell to his knees next to Dean and Castiel. He would've immediately scooped Dean into his arms, but he'd learned from experience that it could be a bad idea. "What happened?"

"We were in the water and a wave knocked him off his feet. As soon as he went under he started panicking. I pulled him out and helped him get breathing correctly again."

"Shit. Dean?" Sam asked tentatively. "Dean, can you hear me?" Dean gave an involuntary whimper, tightening his arms around Castiel and burying his face further into his chest. "You're okay, Dean. You're safe. Look, you're on land," he said in a soothing voice. "I'm here and Jess is going to go get mom," Sam looked to Jess, asking with his eyes for her to go find her. "She'll be here soon."

"D-don't get m-mom. She'll just f-freak out." Sam bit his lip and glanced at Jess again as if she had all the answers.

"Okay, we won't get mom. Can I at least help you up and over to the blanket?" Dean squeezed his eyes closed tighter and shook his head into Cas's chest.

"Can I help you up, Dean?" Castiel asked quietly, addressing Dean for the first time since Sam and Jess arrived. Dean let out a breath slowly, debating.

"O-okay."

"Alright. Do you want to stand up slowly with me?"

"Don't let me go!" he cried.

"I won't, Dean. I promise."

"Okay..." Dean loosened his clenched muscles slightly and let Castiel pull him into a standing position.

Castiel waited a minute before speaking again. In a deep, calming voice he said, "okay, Dean. Next we have to get to the blanket, we can do that whenever you're ready."

"W-where is it? T-the b-blanket?"

"Just a few yards behind you at to your right."

Dean took a few calming breaths before stuttering out an "okay". Cas and Dean walked very slowly while Sam and Jess moved everything off the blanket and make sure it's dry. It only took a few minutes to get Dean over to the blanket and siting down practically in Castiel's lap. Cas was whispering soothing things in Dean's ear and he slowly seemed to be calming.

A breeze blew in from the ocean and Dean shivered. His bathing suit was drying but the t-shirt he hadn't taken off was soaking wet.

"C-cold," Dean mumbled.

"Do you have another shirt for him to wear?" Castiel asked Sam and Jess. Sam shook his head; he'd left his shirt in the room and Dean hadn't expected to actually go into the water. "Can you go get mine?" Cas motioned with his head towards his stuff. Jess brought Castiel's shirt and towel over. "Can I change your shirt, Dean? Yours is soaking."

"No," he replied immediately.

"Okay. Can I put the towel over you?" Dean slowly nodded and Sam draped the towel over his back. After another few minutes, Dean had calmed himself enough to crawl off Castiel's lap.

"Dean, I think it's time was got mom," Sam suggested calmly.

Dean looked miserable. "No," me muttered. "She'll be mad."

Sam smiled sadly. "She won't be mad." Dean remained silent and Sam sighed. "How about we go back to the room and see what happens from there?"

Dean thought for a minute before nodding minutely. Sam stood up and Dean latched onto Castiel again. "Cas has to come."

Sam gave Cas a pleading looks and he nodded. "I would never leave you, Dean."

Eventually they were able to get Dean up to their hotel room and sitting down on the couch with Castiel. After a long silence, Jess asked if Dean could use a drink, but he refused.

"Dean, I think it's time we got your mother," Castiel suggested; he knew they couldn't avoid it any longer.

"No."

"Don't you think she would want to know?" Dean started to shake his head, but Castiel continued. "Honestly, I think she would probably be more mad if you don't go get her."

"Okay," he mumbled. "I guess Jess and Sam should go get her."

Sam looked between the two for a minute. "You'll be okay?"

"We'll be fine," Castiel answered, while Dean just nodded. Dean detached himself from Cas as Sam threw on the shirt and left with Jess. Dean crossed his arms over his chest and shivered. "Do you have anything to change into? A t-shirt and sweatpants maybe." Dean nodded and leaned over the couch to pull a shirt out of his suit case. He pulled off his shirt and Cas had to hold back a gasp when he saw the huge scar across his back. Dean quickly pulled a new shirt on and turned back to Castiel.

"Dean-"

"Don't. Please don't, Cas."

"Okay," Castiel answered, and that was the end of it.

There was a long silence before either of them spoke again.

"Anna-" Cas started, but his voice cracked. "My sister, Anna," he tried again. "F-four years ago. There was a shooting at a school she was volunteering at. She risked. . . she gave her life to keep him from entering a fourth grade classroom."

"I wasn't trying to like push you to talk or anything," Castiel adds quickly. "I just. . . I've never really shared that before and I trust you." Dean nodded but didn't reply.

After a lengthy debate with himself, Dean spoke. "It was, God, it was three years ago now. I just wanted to go out to a stupid party." Dean paused, thinking about how to say what had happened. "Sammy and I had a younger brother, Adam. He was only six and he had been through so much. His biological parents had been killed. Murdered actually," Dean corrected with a humorless laugh. "He was three and his parents and him were going to dinner when they were mugged. They never figured out what but some loud noise spooked the mugger and he shot them both. I'm avoiding the subject. Dad, Adam and I were driving home from a doctors appointment for Adam. Sam had been watching him at the park, just for a few minutes because I had to run back to the car to get something, and he went down the slide wrong and hurt his arm. Dad and I were arguing over Sam babysitting him while I went to some party. Dad looked over at me and an animal darted into the road. He swerved to avoid it and we ended up in the river." Dean buried his face into his hands. "It was all my fault. Adam was just six years old and I got him killed. How could I do that?" Dean was crying now and Castiel leaned over to give him a hug.

"Dean that was not your fault. None of that was."

"Yes it was! I'm the one who told Sammy to watch Adam when he got hurt. I'm the one who failed his drivers test so dad had to drive Adam to the doctor. I'm the one who started the stupid argument about the party. I'm the one who brought dad's attention away from the road and caused him to swerved. All of that is on me."

"Not of that was because of you. None of it. Yeah, okay. Adam got hurt, but accidents happen. Doesn't matter who was watching him, he still would've hurt his arm. So what if you argued with your dad about going to a party? You were what, 15, 16? That's what teenagers are supposed to do. Hang out with friends and argue with their parents. Your dad was the one who was driving, but that doesn't make it his fault either. It was no one's fault, Dean. None of it."

Dean just stared at Cas, tears collecting in his eyes for a few moments. "Gosh, Cas," the bigger boy said, looking away. "No one's ever said that."

"What?" Castiel responded, slightly surprised by Dean's sudden change.

Dean looked back at him. "That it's not my fault. I mean, yeah, people said the actual crash was an accident but nothing else. Everyone just says that I didn't mean to do it, not that it wasn't my fault. That's a new one."

"Well, it shouldn't be. It's the truth, Dean, and somewhere deep down you have to know that," Cas said, a tone of pleading appearing in his voice.

"I do. . . I think? But knowing and believing are two different things." At that moment the door opened and Mary Winchester rushed in, followed by Sam and Jess.

"Dean, are you okay?"

"Yeah. A-a lot better now," Dean answered, glancing at Castiel from the corner of his eye. Mary looked to, noticing the other person in the room for the first time.

"You're the one who helped him, right?" Cas just nodded. "Thank you. We've never really been able to figure out how to help him with the panic attacks before. It really means a lot." Cas just smiled as a sort of 'you're welcome' glad that she wasn't mad at him for inputting himself into their family businesses. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Marry," she introduced, holding out her hand. "And I assume you met Sam and Jess."

"Castiel," he replied shaking it. "And yes, down at the beach." Cas smiled before turning back to Dean. "Are you alright now?"

Dean nodded with a slight smile. "I will be."

Castiel's smile grew minutely for a moment before he stood. "I should probably get going then. Good bye, Dean." He waved to the rest of the family as he walked out the hotel room door.

He only got a couple yards down the corridor before he heard a voice behind him calling his name.

"Don't go. Please, don't go," Dean said. "I mean, you could stay, f-for dinner or whatever. I-if you want," he corrected quickly.

Cas debated a moment before nodding. "Okay. Yeah, okay, I will."


End file.
